I, alongside most of the rest of the Country recently came into possession of Flood, the 2023 model to be exact. The 2023 edition surprises and delights users with greater coverage than we’ve ever seen up till now.
(Note, this was written by the floods that arrived two weeks later destroying Northland, parts of West Auckland (again) and the rest of the North Island. That shit is legit horrific, and the taster we got the fortnight prior was but a taste of things to come.)
Flood was designed and sent to us either by a benevolent creator who’s upset about what you’re getting up to when nobody is looking, or a harsh and uncaring planet with rising CO2 levels. Fortunately if it’s the latter humanity is on the case doing absolutely nothing about it by wallpapering over the top with Carbon Credits and calling it a day. Just because global warming may be an existential threat to civilization as we know it doesn’t mean we can’t make profits and get a little positive press out of it.
No matter which source you decide on above, it’s going to make a lot of people angry because Flood is a fundamentally flawed product. I do have to admit at this point that this is a second hand review of the product, as trying to review my unit first hand was not possible due to the large delivery of more of it cutting off the bridge I needed to cross.
My parents received Flood remarkably quickly, only taking half an hour from breaking the creek banks and entering their home to about thigh high level. So five stars for quick and easy delivery and installation.
Unfortunately in it’s fervour it made egress from the house impossible via conventional methods. This made the kitchen window the hot new way to leave the property. Individual results may vary but this one was over head height outside of the house. We recommend swimming unless you find yourself particularly good at holding your breath and walking out.
Unexpected features of Flood included boosting community ties as neighbours checked in on each other, as well as becoming a fascinating conversation starter. If you find yourself struggling to have anything to talk about consider delivering Flood to your own neighbourhood.
On the downside as Flood uninstalled from the property it left behind ankle deep silt and sludge on any flat surface it had covered, inside and out. This may be the single largest land expansion the kingdom of the crabs has ever seen in West Auckland.
Another thing you should be aware of before receiving your very own Flood is that it doesn’t take much water to flip literally everything in the house, including fridges and desks.
Nobody saw the surprise product drop of Flood coming in our area, for which Wayne Brown got very defensive. In return the media got very defensive about him referring to them as “drongos”. Personally I think it’s about time drongo came back into popular use, it’s a lot funnier than Flood.
Overall I give Flood 1 star.
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