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James Breakwell has one of those rare Twitter that is always a joy to follow. Frequently the comedy writer will tweet small interactions between him, his wife, 4 kids and a pig. I don’t know about the pig either, perhaps he’s a sucker for punishment or got suckered in by the whole “teacup pig” thing at some stage.

If you aren’t already I seriously you join his other 750,000 fans and follow his twitter account @XplodingUnicorn. He’s also got another alt account called @lonelyLuke, which he started on christmas day back in 2015. It works on the concept of a lonely Luke Skywalker stuck on a water planet. As a testament to its quality Mark Hamill regularly retweets it.

I have attachment issues.

My real parents died.

Then my adoptive parents died.

Then I found out my real dad wasn't dead.

Then he died.

— Very Lonely Luke (@VeryLonelyLuke) March 20, 2017

Anyway, let’s get into some lols from daily life.

My toddler’s preferred method of petting any animal can best be described as Hulk smash.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2017

4-year-old: *sighs heavily* How many more times do I have to go to the bathroom?

Me: Every day for the rest of your life.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 19, 2017

6-year-old: She bit my butt!

Me: Why?

4-year-old: She sat on my head!

Me: I consider this matter closed.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2017

4-year-old: I dreamed I cleaned my room.

Me: You need to clean it in real life.

4: You can’t make me do it twice.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 25, 2017

Me: Did you know chickens used to be dinosaurs?

4-year-old: *eyeing nuggets* Can they change back?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2017

My 4-year-old just called socks "foot sweaters," and now I have to spend the rest of the day updating the English language.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2017

4-year-old: Can we go out to eat?

Me: Let's ask your mom.

4: Why do you always check with her?

Me: I want to live.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2017

4-year-old: Mom said I can eat all the candy.

Me: Really? What else did she say?

4: I can get a tattoo.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2017

[dropping off 6-year-old at school]

Me: Do you know where your sister goes all day?

2-year-old: Jail.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2017

4-year-old: Dad, can I ask you something important?

Me: Of course.

4: Why don't we have a koala?

Me: *long pause* I don't know.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2017

Things I’ve told my kids their plastic shopping cart is NOT:

1) a battering ram

2) an all-terrain vehicle

3) an all-terrain battering ram

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2017

My 4-year-old's permanent teeth came in before her baby teeth fell out.

My wife thinks we have a problem.

I think we have a shark.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2017

4-year-old: What would happen if a horse rode another horse?

Me: They would get a baby horse.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 24, 2017

Process of clothing decay:

Good clothes

Everyday clothes

Only at home clothes

Too bad for anywhere clothes

Only shirt my kid will wear

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 22, 2017