It’s good to have a couple one liners tucked up your sleeve for a rainy day. You never know when some asshole at a job interview or work dinner might ask you to “be funny”. Using the hive mind which is Reddit we’ve gleaned 30 one liners that will tide you over well into fatherhood.
1. A physicist is trying to talk a man off the tip of the Empire state building he says “Don’t jump you have so much potential”
2. Say what you want about deaf people.
3. I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy’s dog, because he must be thinking ‘Man, this is the longest walk ever.
4. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
5. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
6. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off
7. My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
8. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?About half way.
9. A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..
10. What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
11. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
12. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
13. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
14. There is no “i” in denial
15. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
16. You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
17. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
18. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
19. I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.
20. And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.
21. I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
22. Why are deer nuts better than beer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.50 but deer nuts are under a buck.
23. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did
24. I remember a guy who was addicted to brake fluids. He said he could stop any time.
25. The bicycle salesman had broken his ankle and was thus unable to peddle his wares.
26. Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other “Can you smell fish?”
27. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
28. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
29. I know a rancher who has 100 head of cattle, but he thought there were only 99 until he rounded them up.
30. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.