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How Do I Find Out If My House Is Haunted?

I often get asked, “Professional person, I just got a new house and I’m worried it might be stuffed full of fucking spooks. How do I definitively confirm whether or not this is the case?”

So I can stop copy pasting my answers around Reddit and Yahoo Answers I’ve decided to compile my technique all in one place. I hope it helps.

Get a Bucket of Water

The first thing you’re going to need is a bucket of water, about a foot deep. Ideally the bucket will be able to fit a watermelon in it.

Buy a watermelon

Go to the store and buy a watermelon. If you tap it with your knuckle it should make a hollow sound which means it’s ripe. But that isn’t important for what we’re trying to achieve.
Put the Watermelon in the Bucket

Gingerly place the watermelon inside your bucket of water. Careful! Some of the water might get displaced and slop out onto your floor. Maybe do this in your bathroom or kitchen. If the watermelon fits, fantastic! If it doesn’t you’re going to need to buy a bigger bucket and repeat this step. You should now no longer need the watermelon.

Have a Friend Around

Ghost hunting is a lot more fun with a friend, and they’ll come in useful in the following steps!
Put your head in the bucket

Hold your head under the water for no longer than 22 minutes and 22 seconds. If you hold it there any longer than that you’ve just broken a world record! Forget about your haunted house, you just made history! You want to hold your head under the water until it results in your own drowning. You may need to get your friend to help you hold your head under there because your survival reflexes will start kicking in pretty hard after a while! Watch out! You might spill more water at this point. Make sure you have towels down.

Note: The watermelon should no longer be in the bucket.

Take a Look Around

At this point your soul will begin untangling itself from its Flesh Net. If your house is haunted you should be able to see spirits or bald apparitions with spirals of teeth surrounding it’s head bulb. If you see these your house is haunted.

Get Your Friend To Revive You

Now that you’ve had a look around it’s time to bind your soul back up with your Flesh Net. You’ll feel very at peace at this step, but it’s important that you fuse with your Pain & Suffering Conductor. Your friend should google a Youtube video on resuscitation before attempting this step.

Note: Ask them to do the revive before you ask them to hold your head under the water. But make sure they drown you before the revival.

To be clear:

  1. Ask your friend that after they help you drown they should immediately begin attempting to bring you back to life.
  2. Drown yourself.
  3. Look around for spirits while simultaneously being revived.
  4. Do not attempt to resuscitate the watermelon.

Take Stock

After all this you should have a clear idea of whether or not your house is haunted, unless it was built on a lay line. In which case your home is part of the spiritual superhighway, sorry.

Note: If your friend isn’t good at resuscitation your house is probably haunted now. Thanks for reading and I hoped this helped a little.

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