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The First Presidential Debate Summary By Someone Who Really Doesn’t Give a Shit

“I was going to vote for X but after last nights debate I’m going to vote for Y,” said no one ever. The first presidential debate between Clinton and Trump just concluded and I’m left in a world that’s saturated with people’s personal rundowns of the situation as it stands, as if anything ever really changed.

A Yougov poll has pointed out that 85% of people have made up their minds about who they’re going to vote for, meaning this debate was really for the 11% who have admitted that they haven’t made up their minds yet. However, only 22% of those people (peeps who aren’t committed to any one party yet) are even going to watch the debate. Overall though the vast majority (45%) agree that the debates aren’t important at all. So really what I’ve gleaned from that is that everyone talking about it are dick wavers for either side that weren’t going to change their minds anyway. Of course, you never know. Miracles can happen.

Now here’s a soundbite summary of the debate so you won’t feel like you missed anything

  • Trump sniffed a lot. Spurious claims about cocaine emerge
  • Clinton referred to Trump as “Donald” during the entire debate due to the fact he’s held no previous title such as “senator” or “governor”. Also “Donald” is the goofiest name ever, who’d trust a name like that being president?
  • Trump pays almost no tax, he admitted on Sunday, and it’s making great fodder for the debate right now.
  • Donald ‘the hair’ Trump says he has a ‘much better temperament’ than Hillary ‘MegaBitch 3000’ Clinton.
  • Trump denies saying that pregnancies are “an inconvenience” to employers, even though he did.
  • Trump says Clinton doesn’t have the “stamina” to be president. He then proceeded to hump the lectern for 20 minutes nonstop. The crowd clapped politely in time with each thrust.
  • After the debate Trump congratulated himself on not mentioning “indiscretions with respect to Bill Clinton”. When pried further on the matter he said he might mention them next time. I’m not even making this bit up.
  • Trump mentioned that a hacker could possibly be “somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds,” which shows how out of the loop he is. All hackers have sweet hoodies and Guy Fawkes masks on while hacking into mainframes listening to EDM and vaping.
  • Clinton didn’t really exist during any of these bullet points but that’s cause she never said or did anything interesting.